One of the things I love is seeing how things unfold exponentially. A cascade effect, in this case, having to do with family. My family. My estranged family.
I've missed them dearly. For reasons I won't go into right now, I had to remove myself from interacting with my mother's side of the family when I was still a kid. It hurt me very badly to do so, but it was a matter of self-preservation.
Where I turned my back, other malignant presences remained. And kept their place of honor among them. I hated them then, my family, for choosing to leave me out. I hated them for a very long time.
I went on with my life. I grew up, pursued my ambitions and my bliss. I went beyond coping into actual liberation. I started to feel balance and happiness. I was okay with the idea that my family wasn't mine any more. Hell, I reveled in my independence and my ability to go it alone.
I had this very high opinion of myself when, years later, a family member reached out to me. He asked me why I never went to any reunions. I'd even missed my own beloved aunt's funeral. My response was to get angry and defensive, anything to not give the reason why. Even now, it's still incredibly difficult, so difficult I keep talking in code. Some will be able to read between the lines, some won't. If you look hard enough, you'll figure it out.
I was unable to hide from telling my family member the truth, not when they had reached out to me in love and concern. Even after I told him the incredulous, disgusting truth, I still felt it was somehow my fault. So while I reconnected with him (and simultaneously maintained my distance) I still stayed away from most of my family. But that was the beginning of the cascade effect.
Years went by like this. I constantly made up excuses on why I stayed away, yet circled around my family like an obsolete satellite. Then suddenly, a long-lost cousin reached out to me. And suddenly, I realized I wanted my family back.
Her reaching out to me quickly progressed from a cascade to a downpour. Others in my family reached out to me, all asking me why had I stayed away. Realizing why, I got angry and I got fed up.
I have had enough, and I am going to do what it takes to have my family back. They want to be a part of my life, and I want to be a part of theirs. I want family reunions, holidays, celebrations and shared condolences. I want birthdays, vacations, and stupid family pictures. I want them back. All of them.
Nothing stays buried forever.
