Why envy is dangerous

It's hard to indulge in describing my life's pattern so far without being self-indulgent. The heck with it.

I'm not one of those people who say they're special; I am special. I always have been. Special, different, odd, pick an adjective. What's even odder is how my abilities have seemingly only served to deter me, not move me forward.

I guess the proper title to this post should be "ignorance is bliss."

I think back on the most recent events; how my divergent career path led me to getting ousted from a job I practically bled for, and how now; I'm kind of stuck. It seems at many times I have been left with no other choice than to assume an independent role of leadership. This, of course, is self-induced.

It is a lonely, uncharted path. All I can do is try at one thing, fail, and hope I learned my lesson enough to move on. It's also difficult to look at the support and ease with which others achieve the things I've striven so hard to accomplish for myself, and have yet to complete. It's easy to get discouraged, and I do get discouraged.

But I'm being true to myself, and that brings me happiness. Even if I don't get recognition, even if others look at me and secretly think they are better in some way, I am free. I am free to struggle and lose on my own terms. I am free to learn humility through the love and support of my friends.

Even in my failures, I celebrate the accomplishment of not having given in and taken the easy route. I just wonder at the current state of things, and what will become of me as a result.

Streaming

Suicidal ghost blog write create now if I don't what will happen when will I happen will it happen why do I want it to and other people scrutinize hard and I come up empty the waiting hurts the most hoping not wanting to the power they have and you don't when all I want to do is ask them if they're happy if they think this is the way their life was going to end up and if they're happy with it.

Create for the sake of creation here now doing it running with it the ball in the hall the boy destroy poetry floetry stand back so the minds can attack now now today don't delay advertising evil women blond submissive no more now people can be people and what would society be without the monetary system doesn't it stand to reason we developed this way because we were supposed to?

I miss my friends sometimes and sometimes not I want to break free from this freedom and call them from Istanbul to tell them I found the relic and took the pic and the genie popped out and granted my wish and now I understand Stephen Hawking finally math makes sense and the order out of chaos the phrase what he said what Brian said random pattern I love it it's chaos and chaos means order natural order things go where they should and I should be on top.

Anachronistic morning

My musical mood at present.
Clicking on the above link will navigate away from this post. Feel free to come back after listening.

I guess it started when I watched PBS's version of Wuthering Heights. There is just no way to be an audience to that work and not be affected. So haunting, so beautiful, and so fraught with turmoil.

The star-crossed lovers theme stuck with me. I invariably found myself thinking about Shakespeare (I haven't read any of his stuff for a while). Romeo and Juliet sneaked its way into my head, and so did Othello and what happened to poor Desdemona.

Of course, in musical companionship was period music going back, back, back... Tristan and Isolde. The Changelings refused to get out of my head so I finally dusted off a $15 iTunes certificate and purchased some.

The Changelings, by the way, deserve their own post. I can only express how much they inspire me to write by audibly shifting reality. They make me smell the scented heat of dancing by the fire.

Many stories were written, it seems, about knights pining over ladies they could never have due to honor. I have yet to come across any, but Bronte's work sure comes damn close to capturing that intangible quality. Such all-consuming devotion and destruction, sublime and debased, does that even exist anymore?

I can only think on it.

Fascinating...

I just love ancient culture. Although this is very sad news, it really peaks my interest:

Ancient tribe becomes extinct.

I woke up tired. I hate it when that happens, and have the early morning leaf blower in my neighborhood to thank me by causing noise pollution at 7:00 am.

Being from New York has inured me to a certain level of noise. Unfortunately, I fell asleep with the windows open. After all, it was a nice, breezy night. All I know is if it can wake me up, it must surely bug others.

I hate leaf blowers. HATE em.

Ingenuity

Last night while at a media marketing networking event, I felt completely out of my depth, but in a happy way. I thought how I'd like to own the very same sense of accomplishment these people carry about.

This, by the way, was the first time I've ever publicly represented myself as a freelance writer with professional services to offer (no no, not THOSE kind of services).

My first foray into marketing my fledgling company was abysmal. No worries. I was expecting to have no clue how to present myself. I went there to observe and learn.

I have no business cards (but found out where I can get 100 printed for 8 bucks). I have no brand or logo... I don't need to continue.

Well, this got me thinking about how I would want to present myself. How do I want my company to stand out? What can I develop that I'll be able to not only live with, but be proud of?

I learned something new about myself then. I love it when that happens; when you surprise yourself. This hasn't happened to me in a long time.

What really stops me in my tracks and say "WOW" is ingenuity.

This is why I dig Dada, pop, and guerrilla art. This is why I admire Andy Warhol, Spencer Tunick, Lichtenstein and Keith Haring. Don't even get me started on Banksy; he's in a class by himself.

Music, art, food, mechanics, philosophy and science (to name a few); that's the common thread. The invention of the paper clip, Isaiah Zagar's glass mosaic walls, the way South American pre-Columbian empires devised a system of relay runners to disseminate news as quickly as modern mail does.

The catalyst was www.Weburbanist.com, where I meandered to this morning.

Can't wait to see what else I uncover!

Woman 1, technology 0

Woo hoo! I figured out how to find the unique Google html code verification string and posted it to my new business site all on my own! I now eagerly anticipate the lovely "you are verified" message. Bring on the writeher.com emails!

Yeah, exactly.

I hope no one asks me anything complicated now, like what time the midnight matinee starts.

Wow, I can't believe I figured it out.

Brain wants no think now. Brain powering down for eight hour recharge. Must supply reserve power with bacon fuel for diagnostic.

All systems GO!

The adage is true, the night is darkest just before the dawn.

What started out yesterday morning as a crisis galvanized me into pursuant action. The light and support of my loved ones gave me the fuel I needed. They provided me with an inspirational spark, they listened to me freak out, and they talked me back from the precipice of an ego-driven abyss.

Starting a freelance business isn't easy. I've read countless books and sought advice from just about everyone. There is a TON of information to process, from rate sheets to which target audience to my biggest obstacle; launching my own Website.

I did a great job of overloading myself with information (and I won't bore with the details). While searching for the key missing element, I grew more and more frustrated because people made it seem so damn easy.

Then finally, yesterday I launched a blog. Talk about long overdue.

Then, so simply, the rest fell into place. I finally figured out how to host my site (for free, too). I can't express how relieved I feel! My site is just waiting for me to create and import content. THIS is the fun part!

I have a blog for my business site, too. It's empty for now, but not for long.

Yes, there are still quite a few things to get done business-wise, but that's no deterrent. I am looking forward to it.

I love it when things come together!

My first publishing job

When a friend gasped in disbelief after I told her, I realized I hadn't told many people I was fired from my editorial assistant position in December.

Since I'm liberated from the grammatical and stylistic constraints of my ex-job, I'll write informally.

So yes, I was fired from the job I was so proud of in December, pretty much right after Brian and I came back from our week-long vacation traveling about north Florida. It was one of the best weeks of my life.

It's not easy to contain my chagrin at my past employer. If some involuntarily seeps out, oh well. I'm only human.

I'm not writing this entry to air out my discontent. I just realized I hadn't really made it public knowledge. Shrug.

I also wanted to start chronicling my current and future steps; namely finishing college (16 credits to go), applying enough self-discipline to get my business off the ground, and such.

Change is the only constant.

Rollercoaster

Enough freaking out about whether or not I should, could, or can't. This, or course, doesn't mean I'm not going through the terror/elation/stomach butterflies that accompany posting my thoughts for the world to see.

It started this morning when I posted a journal entry on Facebook. Actually no, that's a misnomer. My reticence towards publishing ANYTHING has been firmly affixed to my psyche for a long time. Fear of judgment, perhaps, or told I'm full of it and should go back to answering phones.

Well, something like that actually did end up happening, in the worst-case scenario kind of way. See, I had been circumventing publishing my writing, and putting up roadblocks where I should have been removing obstacles. Do research, post on Facebook and see if anyone responds, that sort of thing.

Of course my "controlled" experiment failed miserably, and there it was, proof positive I'm ineffectual. Wow, the magnitude of my self-pity knows no bounds, and how simple the solution to these kinds of self-induced crises usually are!

Perfectly conveying sublime writing for ingestion by a faceless audience is a great enough barrier to scare the crap out of even the bravest of us, and needlessly so. The same damn thing happened to someone very close and dear to me yesterday. The same way I hoped I helped them, a friend today helped me. Funny how sure I was when I offered guidance, then wasn't able recall that same advice.

It's so simple. I write just because I love to.

I've been at it for ten minutes now and can happily report I haven't imploded yet. Instead, I followed my own damn advice and it liberated me.