If I changed names to protect the innocent, would the guilty would still know who they are?

Several times now, the idea of vengeance or "revenge writing" has come across my mind. The first time, I wanted to publish an expose of the scathing hypocrisy present in an educational institution. An older, more experienced mentor advised me against it. I took their advice. I regret my decision.

Since then, I've come across several instances of people or situations that I believe warrant being the brunt of revenge writing. What a moral quandary. Part of me is disgusted that I'm "playing it safe." The other part (the more insistent voice) tells me that it's part of the human condition.

So, which should it be? It's defining me as a person and professional to keep my hand still. Every one has experienced similarly unfair situations. It would be funny. It would be personable. It would be true. It's what I know.

But would it be mean? Why should I care if it is, when the injustice has been committed against me and/or my loved ones? Would I seem petty and amateurish if I went forward with it? If I changed names to protect the innocent, but the guilty would still know who they were?

What makes me wrestle the most with my conscience is not whether or not to do it, it's that I went against my better instincts and allowed someone else to define my parameters. How am I supposed to ever make waves if I never leave my comfort zone?

What to do...

Happy Anni

September 5, 2012 

I can believe that I haven't posted in just under a year. There must be something to the September air that engenders a solid push to organize my thoughts, trials and tribulations.

Summer is hot in more than one way. I'm seeing that for me, summers are cathartic. My birthday is during the summertime. It's kind of a test for friends and boundaries. Or, at least it used to be. From now on, every year I'm going to give myself the gift of adventure in one form or another. 

I hope that I'm not becoming a cynic. I wonder if gaining wisdom involves a certain amount of cynicism? After all, while I'm the mistress of my own fate, I can only control my own life and actions. 

And what I see all around me, manifested is greed. Plain and simple. It's become increasingly difficult to maintain my faith in the majority of people when what I see is the ongoing attempt to use others for people's own advantage. Not compromise, mind you. Use.

In relationships (romantic, platonic, and familial) many conversations are not genuinely caring, mostly they're about bragging to or trying to best one another. I have thankfully just gotten out of an incredibly toxic romantic relationship, and appreciate what I gleaned from it. My boundaries, both with others and with myself are firmly in place. 

So far, the most important lesson I've (re) learned is to never settle. If I am not completely loved, then it's time to move on. This goes for all relationships, and not just the romantic ones. 

Reaching out to new people is just as tricky as maintaining ongoing relationships. With new people, I have to be cautious but not paranoid. Give them the benefit of the doubt until the red flags are too numerous to ignore. Of course, there's the possibility of getting caught in something really bad at the onset. There's always that possibility, but I will not live in fear. 

With ongoing relationships as well as new ones, I'm reactionary as well. I give people as much or little as they give me. Sometimes it hurts, but I have to distance myself. Sometimes I just walk away and never look back. I do that quite a bit, too.

But in all of this, the summer's catharses throws my life and surroundings in stark relief. The brightness exposes half-truths and deceptions, even the ones I'm trying to convince myself of. Then I'm able to get rid of the dead weight.

And I feel positively light as a feather now.