Happy Anni

September 5, 2012 

I can believe that I haven't posted in just under a year. There must be something to the September air that engenders a solid push to organize my thoughts, trials and tribulations.

Summer is hot in more than one way. I'm seeing that for me, summers are cathartic. My birthday is during the summertime. It's kind of a test for friends and boundaries. Or, at least it used to be. From now on, every year I'm going to give myself the gift of adventure in one form or another. 

I hope that I'm not becoming a cynic. I wonder if gaining wisdom involves a certain amount of cynicism? After all, while I'm the mistress of my own fate, I can only control my own life and actions. 

And what I see all around me, manifested is greed. Plain and simple. It's become increasingly difficult to maintain my faith in the majority of people when what I see is the ongoing attempt to use others for people's own advantage. Not compromise, mind you. Use.

In relationships (romantic, platonic, and familial) many conversations are not genuinely caring, mostly they're about bragging to or trying to best one another. I have thankfully just gotten out of an incredibly toxic romantic relationship, and appreciate what I gleaned from it. My boundaries, both with others and with myself are firmly in place. 

So far, the most important lesson I've (re) learned is to never settle. If I am not completely loved, then it's time to move on. This goes for all relationships, and not just the romantic ones. 

Reaching out to new people is just as tricky as maintaining ongoing relationships. With new people, I have to be cautious but not paranoid. Give them the benefit of the doubt until the red flags are too numerous to ignore. Of course, there's the possibility of getting caught in something really bad at the onset. There's always that possibility, but I will not live in fear. 

With ongoing relationships as well as new ones, I'm reactionary as well. I give people as much or little as they give me. Sometimes it hurts, but I have to distance myself. Sometimes I just walk away and never look back. I do that quite a bit, too.

But in all of this, the summer's catharses throws my life and surroundings in stark relief. The brightness exposes half-truths and deceptions, even the ones I'm trying to convince myself of. Then I'm able to get rid of the dead weight.

And I feel positively light as a feather now.