Perfunctory Rant

I'd like to see some kind of service where someone would sign up to be followed around and videotaped, so they could see how others truly react. Or maybe, it could be followed up with a professional psychoanalysis of some kind.

Would psychotherapy would be less necessary of one could just do that?

Yes, sometimes people just need a sympathetic ear and yes, sometimes, a safe, non-judgmental environment is conducive to the healing process. But we don't interact in a room. We move about in the world, jarred and jangled by non-linear occurrences that pressure us into desperate situations.

But how does one establish boundaries? How does one successfully communicate without either being misunderstood, or misunderstanding, unless it takes place in an objective environment?

I've been told I think more like a guy; I'm not a passive listener. When someone tells me their problems, I listen actively and try to come up with a solution. I can't really wrap my head around listening to someone complain endlessly about an issue and not take steps to resolve it. Conversely, unless the issue is circumstantial (see my two last posts), I don't see the point in talking to someone about my problems unless I'm seeking a solution. Even when I've experienced grief, I think this way.

Is the urge to talk out problems ego-driven, a need for attention? Is that why, when someone talks about their problems, the listener's response could most likely be, "you think YOU have it bad? Well, listen to MY problems."

What are our real needs?

The irony!

I should have known the universe wasn't done with me yet. Yesterday, after I basked in the anticipatory glow of returning to bland normalcy, my fucking car broke down AGAIN. On my way to class. On the highway.

Seriously?

So this is what a cosmic joke feels like. Not funny.

Is my cosmic lesson to teach me the true value of humility (I did ask for it), or to drive me into the nuthouse?

This continuing cascade of misfortune does make me appreciate the good things in my life that much more, but it's starting to tear at the very fabric of my existence. Honestly, I don't know if I should just abandon all my ambitions and go into some kind of monastic seclusion.

Or become a mechanic.

Peace

Wow, has it really been that long since I've posted something on here? Odd, when I didn't have a blog I had anxiety about getting one. Now that I have one, I sometimes get anxiety over not posting enough. It's that old creative dichotomy of genuine creative expression vs. pleasing an audience.

What an insane couple of months it's been since my last post.

I re-enrolled in college (in November) only to have my car crap out on me the first week of classes (January). November was mostly a blur. 

In December I found out my mother had a heart condition that required prompt action. Surgical action. My one surviving parent. December was also the month that ushered in probably the biggest fight I've ever had with a romantic partner. Ever. Happy New Year, we're through!

January started off with two friends basically watching over me and keeping me out of the hospital. Part grief, part self-induced inebriated state. I've never gotten drunk to numb emotional pain. It doesn't work. It was also the month my mother had open heart surgery.

The tragi-comedy of my flying to New York to be by my mother's side will surely someday be rich fodder for a best-selling book or poignant movie. Obviously, she pulled through. If it hadn't been for Brian being my lifeline at the hospital (we decided to work things out) I would be writing this blog post in blood and feces on the walls of my padded cell.

So, finally, my life has calmed down. Back to taking care of wonderfully banal tasks like homework, paying bills and domestic chores. I have a renewed appreciation for normalcy.

I have the most wonderful friends and loved ones who continually watched over and cared for me. Some sent me money to help out with my bills, some gave me emotional support, one paid for my flight to New York, others cat-sat while I was gone, and still another saved my car from certain death. Brian's love and support defies definition by its sheer volume and strength. I only hope I haven't cashed in all my karma points. I also rekindled an old friendship after not having seen each other for about thirteen years.

I have plenty to draw inspiration from, I am humbled, and I am thankful. I am at peace.