Resurfacing

To capture what I'm currently feeling, let me start this blog entry with a narrative no-no. I haven't much felt like writing lately. That much is obvious. I haven't felt like doing much of anything related to pursuing my goals and dreams, really.

I once heard somewhere (a sardonic quip in a sit-com, probably) that growing up means watching your dreams die. Depressing thought, huh. It's also the overriding thought I've been fighting for a couple of months now.

Every day, I try to do something to inch myself closer to my goals; apply for a job in the publishing industry here, organize my creative writing there. Since my dismissal in December I've since given up the lofty goal of finding another editorial assistant position (they're very rare in South Florida) and taken to applying for administrative assistant jobs. I hate admin jobs. I hate secretarial jobs. They're non-essential, and I feel lower self-worth by even applying for them. As for interviews; I haven't gotten even that far yet.

My freelance business is at a standstill too, due in part to me. I had one or two prospective clients "take an interest," but hell, I'm new at this game. It seems to me people these days want to hear what you'll charge them before they even tell you what they're hiring you for. Can't really blame them, but as I found out after I was "selected" to edit, proof, and submit a dissertation before being paid a whopping $125.00 (I didn't do it, it was a fucking scam), it's easy to expect labor for little to nothing compensation in return. Stupid greedy banks. THANKS FOR THE RECESSION.

I'm watching everyone around me boast and gloat about a semester full of "A's" while I can't finance one class. 16 credits, people. That's all I need to graduate from college. Everyone around me seems to be moving on, moving up and moving out.

There's a lesson in all this, and it's not "hone your self-pity to razor-sharpness." I just needed to get all that drivel out. Change is the only constant, and my current situation is not a death sentence. By going through what doesn't work, I come closer to what does. I do need to have discipline if I'm going to run my own business. The fruit of my labor is immediate gratification or continued stagnation, depending entirely on the strength of my forward momentum.

Having genuine love and support is the one x-factor I didn't have before. The success factor. My loved ones keep telling me I'm not alone in this. For once in my life, I'm actually starting to believe it. That, and the genuine positive feedback of strangers.

Many "start your own business" -type books mention bootstrapping to start a seed fund. I used to roll my eyes at this; like who would invest in me? Turns out, a few people. Ideas are forming, and they're not at ALL bad.

Since I started writing this post, inspiration has struck again and again. Writing for me is a creative compulsion; my fire. If it hadn't been for Brian telling me last night I hadn't written a blog post since February, who knows how much longer I'd be in a non-creative slump?

Sometimes a little push is all one needs. Amazing; I participated in a Karma experiment yesterday where that was one of the things I offered; look how quickly it came back to me.

Back to the lab!