Today will be one of those never-a-dull-moment days. To start with, this evening I'm meeting my landlord for the first time face to face so I'd like to have the apartment as presentable as possible. My life right now seems almost like a movie: hairpin turns, sudden adversity, possibility of redemption...what will happen next?
And with the above hook, I segue into the most prominent idea I woke up with; vigilance. As those who follow my Facebook posts already know, I interviewed for a position yesterday. This is the first interview I've had since applying for job after job and getting no face time granted.
Yesterday, I woke up in a good enough mood even before I got a call for the interview. It has everything to do with practicing detachment. I finally understand. Thanks to my friend for putting into perspective how an experience serves its purpose to put you on a grander path. My perspective since has definitely improved.
Although I do like this apartment well enough, even before I lost my job, I was thinking it was a bit too much for me to take on financially. I love living by myself, but with the rent, the utilities, and other financial responsibilities on my plate I was barely able to keep myself treading water even while I was employed. There's some socioeconomic rule somewhere that states no matter how much you make, your lifestyle always expands to accommodate a certain lifestyle. This is why you see millionaires go penniless when shit goes bad. I always think, "They had NOTHING saved up?" Well, spin that down to a more modest lifestyle and when you see how people's financial obligations pin them down similarly, you have your answer.
So, I started from then on, to think about moving when my lease came up for renewal in May. See, even though the apartment is very, very nice, lately the amount of noise pollution associated with the commercial plaza across the street has literally woken me up. Is it a symptom of getting older? My bedroom is diagonally across the street from it. The delivery trucks I can handle, it's the fucking over-diligent morning leaf blowers I'd like to strangle one at a time.
After being woken up one day at around 6:45 am and confronting one about the law (no noise of that caliber until after 7 am), they've scaled back their efforts and now saunter slowly, noisily, around and around the same spot well before 9:00 am. If I worked a night shift, I'd be royally pissed. Ditto on the rare occasion I go out or stay up late for whatever reason. NO one should mitigate my sleeping schedule, and I'm shocked all my neighbors haven't rallied to lodge a formal complaint against these a-holes.
That small little thing made me think what started out as a quasi-idyllic living situation has turned into a gilded cage. My unemployment compensation is pretty much the amount I need to keep myself afloat rent- and utility-wise. Also, in one of the first conversations I had with my landlord, he stated very emphatically "Don't ask me about buying the place BECAUSE I'M NOT SELLING IT." Erm... I never expressed interest in buying the place, ever.
In pursuant conversations(he's a super nice guy by the way), he mentioned on more than one occasion moving back to "his apartment." Can't argue with that. This is, after all, his apartment. His emphasis on that, though, left an indelibly strong mark on my psyche; don't get too comfortable, the guy wants his place back one day. This, for those of you who've visited me, is why there are little to no design accents at my place. Also, I've always leaned towards minimalism. Clutter = yuck.
Now I'm meeting with him for the first time today, and he's bringing the realtor in tow. Not a problem, as change is the only constant. If I have to vacate at the end of the month or what have you, so be it. I am where I am supposed to be, and things are developing as they should.
One other thing, however, stood out for me yesterday, and that's the level of vigilance people have over each other. Frankly, it kind of pisses me off. Yesterday started with a brief conversation with the the condo president. He's always keeping a suspicious on people. The latest development? He has a fair idea of who screwed up our washing machine. Literally, a screw was thrown unto the washing machine. Kinda funny, actually. Mean, but clever nonetheless.
My landlord's cousin lives on the premises but who I have no idea who she is; I don't even know her name. It's not enough I passed a background check to move into this place; some nameless, unknown family member is making sure (I'm sure) I behave.
The police have issued ticket after ticket to keep a watchful eye on their citizens; especially those of color. As soon as a ticket clears up, another pops up. Pay the man PAY THE MAN.
The interview, where there is rigorous questioning about my past, my business associates, my dreams, and my social security number.
And Facebook. I might change my settings to ultra-private, because I have suddenly found myself friends with more than a few people who I have little to no contact with. Out of courtesy I "friended" them. Now, I feel like I have a silent panel watching, discussing and judging my every move. Like living in a fishbowl. Mind you, I have nothing to hide, but no one and I mean NO one should have to live under such constant vigilance. As soon as I do something that someone disapproves of (and I will, I'm only human) let the judgments begin. And it is all about power. To add insult to injury, Facebook is constantly under scrutiny for messing with the level of privacy people have. I am very close to just deleting the damn account, and just might.
I get the silent watching, I mean it is perfect. You don't leave your comfort zone while ensuring someone else is living up to your standards (or at least providing entertaining fodder). Still, it feels...icky. If there's one thing people know pretty quickly, it's that I'm an open book. No mystery in getting me to "fess up" some deep dark secret or inflame suspicions. Sorry to disappoint but I'm in no way wired that way. Anyone who wants to know what I'm up to needs only to ask OR READ THIS BLOG :D
Should I record tonight's meeting? This is a case for vigilance for my own protection, isn't it?
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